I’m so excited. I’m so scared.Berlin, Fall 2011
Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve been putting off writing this blog entry. And here’s one more confession: I’m leaving for Berlin tomorrow and I’m not even remotely done packing. Yeah, you can go ahead and yell at me.
I’ve been hardcore procrastinating on all preparations for studying abroad in Germany because (here’s my last admission) I’m slightly terrified. Nay, very terrified.
Let me clarify: my fear is not all I’m feeling right now. I’m also feeling wildly excited, but the fear is the more crippling one at the moment because it’s keeping me from getting anything done. Writing this blog entry or packing would have made studying abroad for four months feel way more real, which I completely wasn’t ready for yet. It made all the goodbyes I had to say feel more final.
I drove up to Ithaca College this weekend to say goodbye to my college friends. I knew it’d be kind of a horrible idea, since it’d make me miss everyone even more, but I HAD to see them one last time. I was doing okay with the farewells until I hugged my friend David goodbye. That’s when I started crying. When I got to college my freshman year, I was sort of a loner for the first month. I have having a bit of trouble finding friends because previously I had the same friends since elementary school and hadn’t had to make new friends in years. Then I met David, and he became my first friend at Ithaca. David is a tall, handsome, calm, blonde Minnesota boy and I was a short, goofy looking girl with Pennsylvania with frizzy hair and a love of typing (and speaking) in all caps, but we became inseparable. When I come back to Ithaca in the spring, David will be studying at Ithaca College’s Los Angeles branch, probably becoming a famous movie director and fulfilling his destiny of basically being Dawson Leery from Dawson’s Creek. If you’ve done the math in your head, that means I may not see my best friend for a year. And that’s why I’m terrified.
It’s not because I’m worried about finding someone like David in Germany. I know that’s an unrealistic goal and definitely impossible (because David is awesome and one of a kind). I’m scared because, what if I don’t find anybody at all? I can’t afford to be my loner self for a month in Germany, like I did when I first arrived at college, since I’ll only be there for four months. I don’t have that kind of time to waste! I’m scared of being lonely, which I know I won’t be able to avoid, at least not at first. But what if I’m in for four months of loneliness? The fear of that is enough to make a girl put off packing her suitcase.
I’m sorry this blog is so incoherent. I feel like that girl in that episode of Saved By the Bell who takes too many caffeine pills and yells, “I’M SO EXCITED. I’M SO SCARED.” That’s exactly how bi-polar my emotions are at the moment. Tonight I’ll finish packing, say goodbye to my best friends from home, and try to get some sleep. I take off tomorrow at 6:40pm from Newark, New Jersey. See you on the other side!
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